So I’m up, about to write a draft email to some staff members about a coverage tomorrow, and it dawns on me that I should probably be sleeping right now. One of the things that resonates from our summer training was hearing fellows talk about the importance of sleep. And how there would be times when you would push yourself harder than perhaps you need to be. Its easier to make these difficult and often times split second decisions of teaching and grad school on a rested mind.
I take a few seconds to think about which is more important. Sleep, or getting a leg up on tomorrow. Which is really just me being able to scrape by the day without any major setbacks, but still being swamped, behind, and at times unaware of all of the mini projects I have to complete. It’s at this moment that I actually think about some of the totality that I’m up against this month. Adding a list right now would really just be cruel to myself. Up until this point I don’t think I ever thought I was really going to break. And by break I mean, actually drop the ball on something. Fail. I want to make a clear distinction between break and quit. These are two completely different ideas in my head right now. I’m not thinking of quitting, period. I will be kicked out of this program first. Period. BUT, its right now that I finally become aware of the fact that I may fail.
Fail at making something happen. They say failure is the best way to success. But, I don’t fail. I rarely ever do. I think the only thing I could say I’ve failed at is track. I went to school on a track scholarship. I was alright. In hindsight I feel like I didn’t push myself as hard as I could. I relied on talent. Which was there, but I didn’t exercise that talent. So while all my comptetion was doing everything they could to succeed, I relied on talent to get me through. Now I can see that that wasn’t enough then. Therefore I know it’s not enough now either.
Its amazing to me that throughout this whole process I’ve never had this feeling of desperation before. This very real feeling of doubt in myself. Can I REALLY make all of the things happen in the next 40 days happen that I need to. To add to the seemingly normal list of 4 IEP’s, finishing the 2nd trimester, starting a new trimester. (Which means grading for the last, and planning for the new classes of the next similtanesouly.) Finding a new apartment, getting rid of a lot of my collected stuff, which I actually happen to love. Grad school, plus the phantom 856 class from last semester which I still haven’t completed. (I know… a mess. And no, I don’t consider myself having failed that, yet. I do think end of March is like the absolute end of the grace period I was given) Keeping up with the blog – because its a must. Hitting the gym. Creating a scholarship for my alma mater, and planning a fundraising event. And all the freakin other crap that I have to do.
Now is the absolute first time I’ve ever even thought I could fail in NYC. It made me sad for a second because its almost devastating to think about how much I have to get done just to keep things afloat. I actually think I’m only able to rest right now because there’s so much to do that I actually can’t instantly recall it all to my head, which is making me falsely at ease… purposely.
Find Pt. 2 here: Countdown to Springbreak